The Gift of Betrayal

Despite all of the hurt and pain I feel from this horrendous double betrayal, there is one gift that I have received as a result of this incident. I am utterly grateful and appreciative of everyone who has supported me during this difficult time. I know that I have friends and family that love me, I have always known this, but to really see it in action was a blessing. I never want to take it for granted again.

Before this episode, I kept saying that I didn't have any friends because I had to distance myself from the group of people that I had hung out with for the last two years. I did so because they were all friends with my ex too and I had to get over him so I had to remove myself completely. I felt lonely and it was really hard. But when this terrible incident happened this weekend, the people that were calling me were not the group of friends I missed. They were the ones that live in DC, Ohio, Chicago, Canada, and England. They were the ones that answered the phone at 6:30 in the morning because I was having a breakdown. They were the ones that noticed when I fell off the grid and made an effort to still hang out with me. They were the ones that I hadn't seen in months but still showed up at my door with cupcakes and a shoulder to cry on. They were the ones that continued to check on me everyday to see how I was doing. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for and I just wish there was some way for me to better express my gratitude.

And my family... we have never been a very close family but I know that when it really counts, when I really need them, they are there for me. They were so concerned for my well being and safety and just wanted to make sure I was okay. They made every phone call necessary to get the help I needed. They sat with me and just held me while I cried. They kept me company all day on Monday while I tried to recover from the shock. They prepared food for me and tried to get me to eat. They even made sure that I took care of the bare necessities like washing my hair and brushing my teeth. They looked after me when I couldn't.

Without all of this support, I don't know what would have happened to me. I am feeling better today and even though I know this is going to be a long healing process and that I will have good days and bad days, I feel like I can get through this now. I want to get better not only for myself, but for each and everyone of these people that love and care for me and just want to see me happy. They give me the strength to feel like I can do anything. And I am not going to let two people who know nothing about compassion, loyalty, and love get in my way any longer.

Betrayal

I have never been so betrayed in my life. In my anger, I wrote this email that I wanted to send to everyone. I wanted to send it to all of our friends and to Nick and Erin's families too. I wanted everyone to know the details so that they can understand the magnitude of this betrayal. I wanted Nick's parents to know that this is the kind of son they raised and I wanted Erin's family to know what she has done to her cousin and good friend. I wanted to speak out so that people can judge them and shame them. I wanted everyone to know what kind of disgusting people they are. In the end, I didn't send it. And I'm glad I didn't. I have integrity and I am a much better person than this.

But of course, I can post it on my blog! No one reads this thing anyway...

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I'm sorry to drag all of you into my mess but I just needed to make you all aware of the kind of company you keep, if you continue to be friends with Erin and Nick.

As you all know, Nick and I dated and then we broke up. Over the last year, we have been on and off. This last time around during the summer, he went to Italy. When he came back, he told me that he missed me in Italy and thought about me everyday. He told me that he realized that he broke up with me for no reason and that he was thinking that he wanted us to get back together. I told him I was willing to discuss this with him and so for the next two or three weeks, we entertained the idea. Things were going really well and then I went on vacation for my birthday. He picked me up from the airport when I got back and proceeded to tell me that he couldn't do it. He told me that he had already put me through so much that he was selfish in asking me to get back together. He said that I wasn't just some girl, I was Jen Miyoshi. He said that he couldn't get back together with me because he could not risk hurting me ever again.

I was devastated by this. I never wanted us to break up in the first place and I wanted us to get back together. He knew this. So for him to tell me that he wanted to get back together and then for him to take it all away was the cruelest thing he could have done to me, or so I thought.

Erin is my cousin. She and I had gotten really close over the last year because we were both going through difficult breakups. We were there for each other every step of the way. I shared with her every thought I had about Nick and my pain and hurt. She knew how devastated I was this summer when Nick so cruelly asked me to get back together and then couldn't follow through in the end. She comforted me. She was one of my best friends.

After this incident with Nick, I finally decided that I could no longer hang out with the group. It was just too painful for me to be around Nick and everyone and be reminded of all the fun times we had together. I was really sad to have to separate myself from the group because they were my friends too but I knew I had to do what was best for me. And so I entered a self-imposed isolation.

For the last three months, I have been doing better. Everyday was a struggle but I was getting through it. This past weekend I suspected that Erin and Nick were sleeping together. This was unimaginable to me considering my relationship with them. I asked both of them and they both told me to my face that they were not. Erin said she would never do that to me and when she found out that I was still having a hard time, she asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I was still suspicious and so I sought out the truth and I discovered that they have been dating for a month already and that they want to be in a relationship.

I have never been so betrayed in my life. I asked Erin how she would feel if I did this to her, if I was dating her ex, and she said she would feel the same way and she knows that I would NEVER do that to her. I asked Nick how he could tell me that he couldn't follow through this summer because he couldn't risk hurting me ever again and then do something like this and he told me that it's not black and white. They both told me how sorry they were and that they felt horrible. But when I asked if they were going to pursue the relationship, they both said yes.

I am disgusted by their selfish behavior and I have never been so hurt. These were two people that I loved and cared about greatly. I was always a good friend to them and I would never do anything to hurt either one of them. I trusted them and I never imagined that they would be capable of doing something like this to someone they both care about. I can't even put into words how destroyed I am right now.