Rough Weekend

This weekend was rough. It was my not-cousin's birthday and I knew that she was having a party. I was sure that most of the people that she invited to the party were people she met with through me. I didn't want to know what day her party was on so that I wouldn't focus on it that night. But just knowing that was going on this past weekend brought me down.

On Saturday, I was at Tito's telling my mom how I had recently felt like I was going backwards. I had had two dreams this past week with my not-cousin and the ex in it and that upset me. While we were walking to the parking lot, guess who I see on the road waiting to turn left onto Sepulveda. My not-cousin. The huge stupid Bob Marley sticker on the back of her car was quite visible and made her car unmistakable. Great. Just what I needed.

Then I get home and I proceeded to call back a friend that had called me earlier in the day. He never calls so I wondered what it was regarding. He texted me back and said that my cousin had texted him about her bday party that night and he was wondering if I was going. Great. Inadvertently, I was now aware of when her party was scheduled. To be fair, this friend didn't know about what happened. But it still sucked. I wanted to be unconscious as soon as possible so I immediately got ready for bed and went to sleep at 9 on a Saturday night.

I hate that my not-cousin's life is just going on normally. She's happy with my ex-boyfriend and my ex-friends and celebrating her life, while I am struggling to put mine back together. She obviously has no shame because most of her guests were people that she met through me, including peripheral friends like the guy that called me to see if I was going who didn't even know about what happened. (Oh and by the way, she made out with this friend of mine a couple times while we were out because that's the kind of girl she is.) She only has this happy life now BECAUSE OF ME. I feel completely used and disrespected. And it makes me so angry to think of her just being fine. It's like she got off scot free while I am having to use every ounce of strength I have to be fine and to persevere through the challenge that has been created for me by her actions. I'm willing to bet money that she doesn't think about me nearly as much as I think about her and the ex. The only consequence that she had to pay was losing me and my family, but it wasn't really a punishment because she didn't give a shit about us. All that mattered to her was herself and getting what she wanted, whatever the cost. And that makes her pathetic. But despite knowing what a crappy person she is, I still can't help but feel hurt. She was my cousin, my family and she betrayed that bond.

I have been doing better and I know I will come out of this struggle better than ever, but it is still a struggle. Some days are better than others. And these last few days have been hard. I'm glad the weekend is over and I'm happy to be going to work tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to push my thoughts of them out of my head so I can focus on me because that is the only thing I should be worried about right now.